An open letter to all motorists in the ‘Chicagoland area’, as it is so delightfully called.

[impulsereader]

Dear Fellow Chicagoans, as you are so delightfully never called,

Wherever you are trying to go, it is not as exciting as you think it will be; really, I promise you that it isn’t.  In fact, at this time of the morning your destination is most likely the building in which you are employed to sit for the next eight hours and therefore the most unexciting place you could possibly be going, considering you already know what you will be doing once you arrive – surfing the internet.  Plus, though you have just now experienced the unspeakable thrill of accelerating to forty miles per hour for a fleeting moment rather than slightly easing the pressure of your foot on the gas pedal, there is a red light several yards ahead of you at which you will be forced to bring your vehicle to a full and complete stop anyway.  You will not be able to ignore this traffic signal, no matter how illegal or expeditious that might be, due to the undeniable fact that there are other cars already stopped there before you.  I assure you that this is the case in the unlikely event you are operating a motor vehicle but are unable to see this for yourself because you have been issued a driver’s license in error and are actually stone cold blind.

As a fellow commuter I understand your frustration at wasting one twenty-fourth of each and every weekday driving this same route time after time, never arriving anywhere which ends up being exciting, and covering a distance which you technically should be able to traverse in a much shorter span of time given the top speed of your vehicle.  I agree that this is both depressing and troubling.  It even invites difficult questions such as, ‘Why is there either a Dunkin’ Donuts or a Starbucks on every single corner?’ and, ‘Why have I not yet stopped at either a Dunkin’ Donuts or a Starbucks and bought either a donut or an over-priced selection of fruit containing at least one which I do not like and will not actually eat?’.  Seriously, fellow commuters, when Starbucks wants upwards of four dollars for a few pieces of melon and a couple of grapes you are perfectly entitled to the outrage which causes you to mindlessly accelerate towards that red light.  Starbucks has wholly justified the wasteful gas consumption in which you are indulging so delightedly.

May I suggest investing in Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide series audio books?  I have found that contemplating the destruction of the planet Earth (which, incidentally, would eradicate all those pesky Starbucks fruit cups with ease) greatly lessens the feelings of loathing and inadequacy which I know you are experiencing as you restrain yourself (again) from lightly (just lightly, really; I know) clipping one (just one, a big one even, not one of the tinier ones; you’re not a monster after all) of that group of kids which is now crossing against the light because there was a whole crowd of them and these stragglers just think it’s all right to keep walking as slowly as they like despite the fact that you now have a green light, which you so cleverly reached when it was still red just moments ago.  Really, I feel your pain and I think Douglas Adams would do the trick, allowing you to enjoy many more bloodshed-free commutes and over-priced fruit cups.  You may even find yourself smiling as you do so; and really, it has to be better than listening to that wailing Adele song for the eighteen millionth time.

Comments

[chloris.livejournal.com]

Are we talking audio versions of the books or the original radio series? I think either could work but I have a fondness for the BBC series myself.

[impulsereader.livejournal.com]

I've recently finished listening to the audio versions of the books, all but the first read by Martin Freeman. I've done a few casual Amazon searches on the radio series to see if I can expand into that as well. I believe my most recent thoughts were trending toward ordering something from amazon UK while I'm in Edinburgh to take advantage of the free domestic shipping and the lower price of the set on the UK site.

[chloris.livejournal.com]

I've never actually listened to the audio books so I didn't know Martin read them. Seems appropriate though! Definitely get the radio plays when you go to Edinburgh if you can - they are wonderful.

[impulsereader.livejournal.com]

I am definitely going to expand into the radio pieces. Martin Freeman is delightful with the exception of his american accented Zaphod grating a little on my ear.

[mosinging1986.livejournal.com]

Mwahaha!

My condolences upon living in my fair city.

[impulsereader.livejournal.com]

I like it most of the time...and I suspect that Adele is universal, which I don't understand at all since the woman would clearly have been employed as a professional mourner in ancient Rome. But some days - well - some days.