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impulsereaderDisclaimer: Please note that the Lemon and I are the most respectful of museum-goers. At no point did either the Lemon or I touch any item on display. Anything the lemon is touching is either glass or plastic which is between it and the artifacts, or an object which the museum encourages visitors to touch.
*****
This week - the ROM!
*****
“Douglas, we can’t. We’ll get in trouble.”
“Oh come on, Martin, live a little!”
“It is a museum, Douglas. We can’t go around chucking a lemon into the displays just because you’re bored and there happened to be a fruit stand on the corner.”
“Who said anything about either chucking or the displays? It’s really very simple, Martin, just like on Gertie. Simply leave the lemon somewhere in plain sight.”
“There. You see? What could be wrong with that? Now - you come along. You happen to see this lemon sitting there in plain sight. What’s that, you ask yourself. A lemon in play? Why certainly I must pick it up and carry on with the rally! Not doing so would let down dear old Blighty herself.”
“Douglas, I just don’t know -,”
“Morning, chaps! Oh! A lemon! Is it in play, Douglas?”
“It is indeed in play Arthur, would you like to do the honours?”
“Oh! Yes please!”
“Very well. Off you pop.”
“Arthur, wait! Listen to me very carefully.”
“Martin -,”
“No, shut up, Douglas. You cannot possibly let Arthur loose in a museum with a lemon and no further instruction.”
“Fair point.”
“Arthur, you musn’t touch any of the artifacts on display. You musn’t let the lemon touch any of them either. These things are all priceless and fragile and you musn’t touch anything - do you understand?”
“Yeah, of course, Skip.”
“What musn’t you do?”
“Touch anything.”
“What musn’t you touch?”
“Anything.”
“Very good, both of you. Arthur, look, think of it this way, if you touch so much as a sign which indicates you should not be touching it, shouty horrible men will come to throw you out of the museum and you will have to spend the rest of the day hoovering Gertie again and playing charades with yourself. Got it?”
“Got it, Douglas!”
“Good. On your way then.”
“Oh, I really should have known.”
“Known what?”
“That your son would act true to form.”
“Oh god, what has he done now?”
“Nothing, absolutely nothing. You see? Nothing at all.”
“Oh, Douglas, this is not a good idea.”
“Don’t bother, Martin has already given that speech. Do notice that the lemon was in no danger of touching anything it shouldn’t. It was placed quite responsibly; resting against the outside of a display encased in glass. What could be amiss? No one could object to this particular lemon.”
“The lemon is here in all innocence, is what you are trying to convey.”
“Precisely. Now do excuse me while I find another location to which it is equally innocent to move said lemon - to situate it in plain sight, of course.”
“Oh, of course.”
“Christ!”
….
“Oh thank god, it’s just the angle. If anyone could break into a museum display case, it would be Douglas.”
“Martin, do stop lagging!”
“Yes Carolyn, I’ll just be a moment!”
“Oh, Martin, that’s a terrible place to put the lemon! How can anyone help but see it!”
“Well I’d like to see you do better in a museum!”
“Oh of course I can do better than that! Anyone could do better than that, even in a museum!”
“Fine. Go ahead and do better then.”
“All right, I admit it. There are places in the museum where you can put the lemon into play where it blends in. Now let’s get it and ourselves out of here before that woman tries to show me the snake skin again!”
“Oh, no, Martin. I’ve put the lemon into play. If you want it moved, you’ll have to advance it yourself.”
“Carolyn!”
…
“Fine! Fine! I’ll just pop it into my pocket and -,”
“Sir! Please step away from the educational display! What did you just put into your pocket?”
“Oh god...”
“Oh! The lemon! Brilliant!”
“My, my, who would have expect to find a lemon here, of all places.”
“Slacking, Douglas, slacking.”
“Not in the least, I assure you, Carolyn.”
“Pathetic.”
“Oh god, oh god, stop it both of you! We’re going to be thrown out!”
“Oh Martin, don't be such a wet blanket!”
“Brilliant!”
…
“Oh, they’ve got their bear facts terribly wrong. I should think a museum would know better.”
*****
This week - the ROM!
*****
“Douglas, we can’t. We’ll get in trouble.”
“Oh come on, Martin, live a little!”
“It is a museum, Douglas. We can’t go around chucking a lemon into the displays just because you’re bored and there happened to be a fruit stand on the corner.”
“Who said anything about either chucking or the displays? It’s really very simple, Martin, just like on Gertie. Simply leave the lemon somewhere in plain sight.”
“There. You see? What could be wrong with that? Now - you come along. You happen to see this lemon sitting there in plain sight. What’s that, you ask yourself. A lemon in play? Why certainly I must pick it up and carry on with the rally! Not doing so would let down dear old Blighty herself.”
“Douglas, I just don’t know -,”
“Morning, chaps! Oh! A lemon! Is it in play, Douglas?”
“It is indeed in play Arthur, would you like to do the honours?”
“Oh! Yes please!”
“Very well. Off you pop.”
“Arthur, wait! Listen to me very carefully.”
“Martin -,”
“No, shut up, Douglas. You cannot possibly let Arthur loose in a museum with a lemon and no further instruction.”
“Fair point.”
“Arthur, you musn’t touch any of the artifacts on display. You musn’t let the lemon touch any of them either. These things are all priceless and fragile and you musn’t touch anything - do you understand?”
“Yeah, of course, Skip.”
“What musn’t you do?”
“Touch anything.”
“What musn’t you touch?”
“Anything.”
“Very good, both of you. Arthur, look, think of it this way, if you touch so much as a sign which indicates you should not be touching it, shouty horrible men will come to throw you out of the museum and you will have to spend the rest of the day hoovering Gertie again and playing charades with yourself. Got it?”
“Got it, Douglas!”
“Good. On your way then.”
“Oh, I really should have known.”
“Known what?”
“That your son would act true to form.”
“Oh god, what has he done now?”
“Nothing, absolutely nothing. You see? Nothing at all.”
“Oh, Douglas, this is not a good idea.”
“Don’t bother, Martin has already given that speech. Do notice that the lemon was in no danger of touching anything it shouldn’t. It was placed quite responsibly; resting against the outside of a display encased in glass. What could be amiss? No one could object to this particular lemon.”
“The lemon is here in all innocence, is what you are trying to convey.”
“Precisely. Now do excuse me while I find another location to which it is equally innocent to move said lemon - to situate it in plain sight, of course.”
“Oh, of course.”
“Christ!”
….
“Oh thank god, it’s just the angle. If anyone could break into a museum display case, it would be Douglas.”
“Martin, do stop lagging!”
“Yes Carolyn, I’ll just be a moment!”
“Oh, Martin, that’s a terrible place to put the lemon! How can anyone help but see it!”
“Well I’d like to see you do better in a museum!”
“Oh of course I can do better than that! Anyone could do better than that, even in a museum!”
“Fine. Go ahead and do better then.”
“All right, I admit it. There are places in the museum where you can put the lemon into play where it blends in. Now let’s get it and ourselves out of here before that woman tries to show me the snake skin again!”
“Oh, no, Martin. I’ve put the lemon into play. If you want it moved, you’ll have to advance it yourself.”
“Carolyn!”
…
“Fine! Fine! I’ll just pop it into my pocket and -,”
“Sir! Please step away from the educational display! What did you just put into your pocket?”
“Oh god...”
“Oh! The lemon! Brilliant!”
“My, my, who would have expect to find a lemon here, of all places.”
“Slacking, Douglas, slacking.”
“Not in the least, I assure you, Carolyn.”
“Pathetic.”
“Oh god, oh god, stop it both of you! We’re going to be thrown out!”
“Oh Martin, don't be such a wet blanket!”
“Brilliant!”
…
“Oh, they’ve got their bear facts terribly wrong. I should think a museum would know better.”
